Chilling with power rangers
by bad-karmapolice
Summary: In a rare moment of peace at Hellsing, Pip, Alucard and Seras discuss power rangers. Is now a series of AxP drabbles. SLASH SLASH SLASH.
1. Chilling with Power rangers

Sipping coffee on his couch in the dead of night was a past time Pip didn't indulge in very often. He was usually too busy shooting the ever loving crap out of gross and decaying undead men, running from something, smoking, and trying to cop a feel of Seras' magnificent boobage. It left Pip tired and depressed and usually with him covered in his or someone else's blood. But apparently, the other day, during a mission, Seras had accidently dropped her cannon on Integra's foot. Integra had almost burst a lung swearing; even Enrico, in Rome, had heard it. Needless to say, the pure rage Integra let out was enough to send the rogue vampires running, reportedly, to the South Pole. They were last seen huddled together in a small igloo, playing connect four with an Eskimo.

The result was three days of peace. Pip had spent these days sleeping and hanging out with the other geese. Even Seras, in a purely innocent bout of good mood, had joined them in a card game or two. It was well cool.

Pip let out a sigh and sank deeper into the couch, gripping the mug of coffee in his hand.

"Finally, some good times. God knows we needed this. I'm sick of nasty corpse men groping my trousers." He took another sip and closed his eye, knowing he'd probably doze off if he didn't get up. But, unfortunately, nature began to call him, and he pulled himself up, begrudgingly, and headed for the bathroom.

After he was done, he let himself wander a little down the halls, the caffeine finally in complete affect. He found himself outside the lounge room (the fourth one, to be precise.) The room was dark; the only light was the flickering colors from the TV. And lounging on the couch, stretching out like lions after a large meal were Alucard and Seras. Alucard was taking up all the room, one leg on Seras' lap and the other hanging off the couch, while Seras leaned her ahead against the arm rest, her hand fiddling with Alucard's pant leg. Pip took the time to savor the bright, tight, orange top Seras was wearing. He was far too used to seeing the girl in her uniform, but really, with that golden skirt, he couldn't care less.

"What are you two watching at this hour?" Pip asked them, leaning against the door.

"Power rangers." Alucard answered, eyes staying on the screen. Pip raised an eyebrow, coming up next to the couch to see. On the screen, a man dressed completely in red roundhouse kicked some bizarre creature.

"Which one is Pip then, master?" Seras asked. The elder vampire paused for a moment.

"He's the yellow one." He replied lazily.

"Yellow one?! But that's a girl, ain't it?" Pip said, crossing his arms.

"So? And besides, the other colors were taken. Integra's blue, Walter's green, Seras is pink, and you're Yellow."

"And you're the red one, aren't you?"

"Damn straight." Alucard grinned. Pip huffed, and sat down, leaning against the couch cross legged.

"What about the black one?" He said.

"I'm the black one too." The vampire replied, quickly.

"What? How's that?" Seras asked.

"When I go solo, I'll go Black. Those are my levels of badass. When I'm in a group, saving your sorry asses, I'm red, but when I have to go solo so as not to put you in danger, or whatever, I become the Black power Ranger." Explained Alucard.

"That's a load of bullshit!" Pip cried.

"Too bad." Seras began laughing as Alucard smiled triumphantly.


	2. Nerve

**Nerve.**

Nerve. It's something Pip has, and needs. It's vital, absolutely so.

To Pip, it's not something he should have in order to be a good person, or to be a man, or any of that other sappy stuff you'd hear in movies and stories. Pip needs nerve to survive, to move forward, and to pull himself out of bed each morning. Nerve is what helps him turn to his dying friends on the battle field and say 'C'mon, slowpokes, the battle's up ahead.' With nerve, he can wipe the blood off, light up a cigarette and grin. Pip has stared into the abyss countless times and has hardly ever faltered. So there's nothing stopping him from gently sliding his hand up Alucard's thigh and giving him a smirk. His nerve is rewarded with a grin and a kiss.

* * *

Went on a random word generator site because I felt like rambling :) This was the first word I got.

AxP has undoubtadly become my favourite Hellsing pairing, and the lack off it is absolutly REDONCULOUS. And hey, I really really like Pip, he's a cool dude. And oh god, he and Alucard together are SO CUTE, i can hardly stand it.

anyway, please review and let me know what you think :D I'de love to hear from other people who ship this pairing, or at least those who find it interestin/intriguin/amusing :D.

Have a good one, y'all. (AND HAPPY AUSTRALIA DAY FOR TOMMOROW ;D. BEEEAAACH TIIIIIIIIIIME!!!)


	3. Paint

**Paint.**

At first, Pip had honestly intended to do some work. The room he and a few other Geese lived in needed a good paint job, and Pip had volunteered to do it. He was sick of the horrible wallpaper with a bloody gray _stripe pattern. _And it was peeling off in many places, and even had a few scorch marks, somehow.

So Pip had bought paint; a nice warm, dark yellow, almost gold color, and had either cleared or thrown a sheet over the furniture, and had then gotten started.

And then he showed up, Alucard, and had started yammering on about how walls never look interesting and that Pip should paint pictures on it. Naturally, Pip had said no (though he wasn't really against the idea, he just didn't know anyone who could paint well enough.)

"At least it ain't some old Granny's wallpaper." He muttered. Alucard just shrugged and snatched a spare paint brush. He dipped it in the paint, and then he began drawing on the newly exposed wall, the parts that Pip had peeled the ugly and offending wallpaper off. Pip shrugged, ignoring the vampire and continuing with his work. He enjoyed the peace. The painting job wasn't tedious or boring to him, as it gave the mercenary a little time to think. And anyway, he could paint over the mess Alucard made after. The boys weren't due back till almost four hours later.

A while past and Pip took a break to look at the Vampire's work. He was amused to find that the wall was covered with pictures of Integra in a suit of armor with an angry scowl, Seras with overly exaggerated breasts (he openly laughed at that one), a picture of the butler riding a giant…dog? And there was even a picture of Pip himself dressed as a pirate.

"Better than wallpaper?" Alucard grinned. Pip grinned and nodded his head.

And then they were laying on the floor, naked and sweaty, scraps of peeled wallpaper scatter around them, with half the room covered in a thick layer of gold paint, the other covered with silly pictures and hand prints.

Pip was still panting slightly, and his hair was sticking to his face. Alucard was absently tracing a paint covered finger on his chest, humming some random tune.

The door burst open.

"Yo, Pippy, we got you some McDonald's. How's the pa-Jesus tap dancing Christ!" Pip's room mates were frozen; Bernard clutching the bag of take away food like it was his child. Alucard looked up once, and then continued painting Pip's chest. The mercenary felt like he should've said something, but just sighed in exasperation instead.

"Humph." Bernard said, pulling out a chip from the bag. "I knew you'd find a way out of this job, you rat!" He waved the chip around accusingly. Alucard patted Pip's chest to catch his attention and said, triumphantly, "Yeah, whatever. I gave you a frog." Pip and the others looked down to stare at the painting on Pip's skin.

"Huh. Looks good."

* * *

Pffft, I have no idea where that came from, but yeah!! Hot floor sex!! Is there anything greater???


	4. Save

**Save**

He remembered how the water was rushing into his lungs, as the panic began coiling around him, seeping into his body. He remembered reaching for the surface, desperately trying to grab hold of the moon's light, dancing with the ripples above him, as everything else grew darker and darker. Everything was cold, and his body felt heavy, like stone. He grew tired. He was going to die. Until a hand and a red clad arm shot in front of him, grabbing hold of his shirt, hoisting him upward. Everything went black, and he heard his grandpa in the distance, chuckling. _'C'mon, boy. C'mon, this ain't the way you die, you know that. There's so much more in store for you, boy. You're our grandson, after all. C'mon.'_

There's pressure on his chest that he notes absently, he's lightheaded and his lungs are burning, while the tips of his fingers and toes are numb. The pressure doesn't cease, but maybe gets a little stronger. He feels water gushing out of his mouth; he coughs and splutters. He looks up. Red eyes are looking back.

"You daft man, Pip." Alucard grins. He hears the cheers of his men; he can feel one of them squeeze his shoulder reassuringly, and can hear the Police girl utter a very quiet and relieved 'Thank god!', and he absently registers the fact that he was almost dead a moment ago, but most of his attention is set on gorgeous scarlet eyes, and the way that Alucard said his name.

* * *

**NOTE:** I have an odd feeling that Pip almost dies, like, every week. And Pip's Grandpa is cool. Just lazyin' around there with his awesome sunnies.

HAPPY AUSTRALIA DAY, Y'ALL. Better put that lotion on those burns. And to everyone who reviewed and shared their opnions, THANK YOU!. It's nice to know it's sparked a bit of interest in some, and that others enjoy AXP too. And to **Jack the Reaper, **lol, sorry about your eyes there, would you like a bandaid? :D


	5. Electrical

**Electrical**

Alucard decides that Pip's touch is electrical. It sends a current of sparks through him, warm and energetic; it feels like life, maybe. And in Pip's veins, he can smell blood rich with history and struggle and determination; Pip is a human that doesn't give up without a fight. Pip glows with electricity that makes Alucard stop and stare; he can feel it from far away, and it makes his hair stand on end and his fingers tingle. Pip tends to do things in style, and Alucard likes it. And when the mercenary runs his hand down Alucard's chest, it's like lightning, _it's feels powerful, _and Alucard can feel it travel to his spine, through his veins and bones, making his blood boil. _It feels __**so**__ good._

* * *

**NOTE: **Needed one in Alucard's point of view, which was a loooooot harder then I first thought it would be. But I managed, kinda.

And yes, I do have some wierd fetish with Energy. It's kinky (but not the...BDSM kind. Just that it....sounds cool?). Probably from my childhood obsession with Pickachu. And to a lesser extent...Jolteon. Because he needs love too.


	6. Ballet

**Ballet**

The vampire hands Pip back the flask and, checking to see that nobody is watching him, the mercenary takes a quick swig, twists the lid back on and stuffs it in his pocket. Alucard smirks, and then, reluctantly, turns his gaze back to the stage. There's some silly bloke in tights prancing around on it like a fairy princess, and surrounding him are the _thinnest_ women Pip has ever seen galloping around the man like a herd of crazed gazelles. He thinks that if he had a bird's eye view of them, he'd see nothing but the brown bobs of their hair and the tutus, like open umbrellas.

Alucard's on his right and is caressing the mercenary's leg with his own, but Pip can't blame the guy; his eyes had been rolling back in their sockets from boredom before Pip pulled out his trusty liquor stash, and on his left was Integra. Even though she was the one who accepted the tickets from the Queen (who had said 'You need a little reward, Integra', with a very cheeky, _smug _look on her face), the Hellsing director's eyes are glazed over, and Pip thinks that she's having an outer body experience; her spirit is probably at the arcade, shooting at computerized zombies while all these bratty teenagers stare in horror as the plastic gun floats in the air and some invisible being gets a high score. Afterwards, he tells this to Alucard and the vampire will choke on his own spit laughing.

Next to the vacant Integra is Seras, who looks positively _adorable, _with her head leaning against Walter's shoulder, a little river of dribble running down the corner of her petite mouth as she snoozes. Said butlers gaze is set on a young red head in a tiny dress in the row behind him. The flask he and Integra had been sharing has been empty since the first scene. _God I hate ballet, _they all think simultaneously. Well, not Seras, since she's currently herding a field of mini Alucards in a pink field in Tuscany.

Soon, Integra snaps back to reality with a small jerk, and gruffly inspects her surroundings. The props on the stage have gone from obscure looking plants made from cardboard to…plastic cows? Integra just huffs and begins stroking the cigars in her jacket pocket. The interval should be soon, and _God help these people if it's not. _She turns to see that Pip and Alucard have disappeared, and in Pip's empty seat is his flask, and a yellow stick-it note with '_Here you are Master; Pip and I won't be needing it for the rest of the night.' _She shakes her head and smirks.

* * *

**NOTE: **My gawd, this was so fun to write. I have this really vivid image of them all in the theatre, with all these snobby aristocrats with those hand held telescop glasses things surrounding them, and they are so awkward and out of place. And the image of Seras napping on Walter has made me all giddy. She's so cute.


	7. Companion

**Companion**

Pip looks down as something warm gently settles on his leg, and he sees eight ruby eyes, blinking innocently (at different times, strangely), surrounded by soft black fur. The owner of the eyes staring back into Pip's own single eye is a slim black dog. His long snout is resting on Pip's leg, the rest of its body stretching languidly on the bed. Its tail occasionally flicks half heartedly. Pip smirks and reaches down to scratch the long floppy ears, and the dog leans a little bit into the touch, all eyes closing as his tail wags a little bit faster.

"Alright, Alucard," he says. "You can be my companion tonight, so long as I don't wake up covered in fur, deal?" Alucard grunts in agreement and moves closer to Pip, his head resting on the mercenary's chest. He sighs as Pip starts caressing his neck and back. Soon, the motions slow down and then stops completely as Pip falls asleep, but Alucard is contented enough with the human's heart beat.

* * *

**NOTE: **Just a short one. I've always thought Pip a dog person.


	8. Sick

**Sick**

The pounding in his head hasn't gone with the painkillers at all, and his nose was just getting more and more red, and Pip wonders if his spleen will rapture or he'll suddenly get cancer as his familiar friend karma bites him on his ass. Pip groans and rolls over on the floor, pulling another tissue from the box and blows. He scrunches it up and throws it at the trashcan, where it bounces off the rim of it and falls to the floor with the other tissues.

Alucard frowns as he stares down at the mercenary curled up into a ball on the floor. The vampire sits down next to Pip and pulls his knees to his chest.

"Don't say a word." Pip grumbles out. Alucard cocks his head to the side as he watches Pip.

"Wasn't going to." He smirks. Pip eyes him.

"Oh yes you were. Look, I can smell the smugness radiating from you."

"From what I can tell, you can't smell anything at all." Alucard closes his eyes in victory. "And don't get snarky at me, Bernadotte; I was the one who warned you about going on that mission when you were already ill." Pip rolls on to his back and the vampire grabs a new tissue from the box and hands it to him. Pip holds it to his face and leaves it there, and through the tissue he sighs in exasperation and plain fatigue and says "How could I of known that someone like _you_ can see the flu in a person before an actual _doctor_ can? Since when do you like playing House?"

"House? What do houses have to with sickness?" Alucard frowns, his brows furrowing in confusion. Pip just moans and holds his head, his headache still hammering away his skull.

"What are you doing here anyway, apart from rubbing it in my face?" Pip asks, pulling away the tissue to blow, and then to throw it half heartedly away.

"Somebody needs to rub it in your face."

"And you're a prime candidate, huh?" Alucard shrugs and smiles. He holds Pip's face in his hands; they're bare, no gloves, and are unbelievably soft. The Pounding in Pip's head dulls until its nothing but a small throb; it's as if this powerful vampire's mere finger tips frightened the pain away. Pip stops thinking; his eye is heavy and it slowly closes. Alucard softly kisses the lid and feels it flutter slightly. He lies down next to the sleeping mercenary and smiles smugly.

"I told you so."

Later.

"Walter!" The butler stops cleaning the dishes and his shoulders deflates; he knows that tone of voice. Alucard slips out of the floor next to him.

"Angel, explain; what do houses have to do with human illnesses?" Walter sighs, and thinks 'why _me_?'

* * *

**NOTE: **Another one??? Anyways, thanks for your reviews, alerts and favs everyone. And to Jack the Reaper, thanks for reading more, despite the AXP. You sir, are a brave soldier XD


	9. The Gay Stoner Vampires adventure

Sharlie caressed Integra's thigh, hidden beneath the table. The Hellsing leader did nothing but smoke on her cigar; if Sharlie's hand went any higher, Integra would rip it off and use the stump as an ashtray. But the vampire seemed to know the limit, even if she was high. Next to them, Alucard rumpled the sleeves of his shirt manically. Only God above knew what he was on, but it made him irritable, like a five year old kid with chicken pox. He was scratching himself and darting his eyes nervously, as if his mummy was about to jump out and shove a spoon full of silver down his throat.

Stoned, gay and paranoid (more so than usual) vampires, strangely, did nothing for Integra's evening.

"Stop staring at me." Alucard snapped, one hand scratching madly underneath a frenzied looking eye.

"I'm not staring at you, Alucard." Integra sighed.

"Neither am I. There are hotter things to look at." Sharlie joined in, droopy eyes still on Integra. The hand gave a little squeeze.

They were all in the dining room, with the two vampires seated on either side of Integra. Alucard mumbled something and ruffled his hair. His eyes had dark purple rings around them and he was wearing a button up shirt he had stolen from Pip. He had a t-shirt underneath that, and where the shirt on top was wide open there was a picture of a hairy chest of a man with black stars covering the nipples visible, and below them was a picture of a man with a wolf for a head giving the bird (also Pip's). And all Sharlie wore was a bra and some leather pants, in an example of how the woman was _comfortable_ around Integra. Integra wished that Walter were there to tell the vampires to piss off (she had already tried to – they ignored it as if she had said nothing at all and had opted to follow her around the manor like children). But Walter was currently outside the front lawn, explaining to the police why 1) he wasn't hiding two people who had just ran through a zoo, hospital, shopping centre and parade on a motorcycle under the influence of hard narcotics and 2) why there was a motorcycle (one suspiciously familiar) currently embedded into the wall next to the manor's front door.

"Oh, that? Why, that's just one of those fancy new modern art pieces. You know the ones. Frankly, I'm not too fond of it, but it's preferable to the fake macaroni penises the master insists on decorating the entire house with." Integra let herself a single smirk after that, and had left the uncomfortable officers with the butler so she could deal with some vampires. The officers didn't worry her; they wouldn't know how to enforce law if the law came up and bit them on their overweight asses, as Seras had grumpily put it, god bless the old girl. But Integra would definitely be hearing this from the other knights soon. Not so much the Queen; in fact, Integra could imagine her sitting in front of a television set as the footage of her servant and his friend sped away from a swarm of police cars on the highway, clowns and marching bands leaping out of the way of the motorcycle on the channel 9 news report. She would simply cackle, sip some tea and say fondly; _'That's my boy!'_

"So, 'teggy…" Sharlie smiled widely. "How long have you been running this Hellsing business?"

"Since I was thirteen." Integra replied stoically. She shook the cigar and let the ashes fall into the ashtray. The vampire _'hmmmed'_, feigning interest.

"A tough life, eh? Well, I admire tough woman." The vampire gave her thigh another squeezed. And, you know, it wasn't that Sharlie was unattractive; she had a nice, small nose and full cheeks and had an impressive six pack, but Integra didn't flirt with the undead. Period. She didn't understand why this lady didn't follow Seras around instead of her; that girl's cleavage were a remarkable feature all on their own, but apparently something about Integra being 'the grand master of vampire' (as Alucard garbled through their hasty introduction) was a major turn on for Sharlie, the vampire who lived in London and ran an exclusive freak-show bike gang.

'We met in Russia, after I offed the Tsar.' Alucard had said.

Time passed; the two vampires came down from their high (though Sharlie kept offering everyone she saw weed), and all traces of the carnage that lead to the Hellsing organization had been expertly severed by Walter. Alucard would be severely dealt with the following night, but had been told, by Pip (after he had angrily stalked home from the pub after seeing the news report next to hooting and cheering geese), to _'calm the fuck down and take it easy'_. And somehow, Sharlie would be back the next week to show off her Amazonian wrestling moves to Integra (who would, at that point, be heavily sedated on liquor).

"See," Alucard said. "I do have friends outside of Hellsing. Friends with stashes, too." He was leaning against Pip on the couch, Seras sitting at the foot of them, gently painting her nails as she listened, half mindedly.

"Christ. So you went on a huge drug trip and fucked up London to prove a point? Fella, that's either dedication or obsessive compulsion." Pip laughed. Seras smiled. She had discussed this _Alucard and Pip gay thing_ with Integra, who had dubbed it nothing more than a convenient _'friends with benefits'_ situation, but Seras liked to call it a _'relationship'_ (ooh, Seras did like that word!). They reminded her of her grandpa. He was an old war hero; he had contributed in the bloodshed in Vietnam (her grandpa was an American and had married into a wealthy British family), and had very few remaining comrades. Though, one of these was an old man who used to come over for dinner, and each time he would present Seras with a shiny coin for her piggy bank and a toffee, before sharing old army jokes with her grandpa. Seras knew they were good friends, but it was a different kind of friendship (the kind more powerful than BFF'S.) It was like they had shared a single life, like they had beat the same heart and had breathed through the same lungs after experiencing so much of the same, horrific experience, and she had met police men just like them, and soldiers. What Pip and Alucard had was the same thing. War dogs, that kind of thing.

"Jamie thinks you're an absolute legend now. He said he wants to go with you on your next adventure." Pip smirked.

"It depends. Can he hold up a boom box while doing over 90 on a motorcycle? Because I need music if I'm going to cause a ruckus."

"I'll ask him. I don't know how Sharlie did it, though."

"We've had practice. Ever wonder why the tower of Pisa leans? Me, Sharlie, and our good buddy LSD." Seras, wisely, ignored this.

* * *

A DRABBLE. I'm having a sick day, and so I vomitted out this little..._thing_ in boredom and a dillusional state (not to mention I've spent the past week watching Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law.) Man, good time spent. I wish the Australian cartoon network still had Adult Swim. I feel so empty ever since they took it off. I miss space ghost coast to coast. I miss Aqua teen hunger force. I even miss squid billlies- actually...no. Forget that last part. But seriously, now its just all these cartoons tht make me sad and depressed. WHY MUST LIFE BE SO HARD?

But I digress. So, getting back to this strange drabble, so clear up any confusion this story can be summed up with this:

1. Alucard and his lesbian biker vampire friend, Sharlie, takes some drugs and runs a motorcycle through london, causing havoc.

2. Walter somehow (surely using his amazing butler powers) convinces the authorities that Hellsing isnt involved (despite the fact that the vampires crashed the motorbike into the manor)

3. Sharlie's totally got the hots for Integra as they chill out in the dining hall, but 'teggy don't give a flying fuck (caus she's just too good)

4. and then seras Alucard and Pip chill on the couch (again). And pip and Alucard are...boyfriends or something.

(p.s, the shirt that Aluard wore was something i invented out of the need for Alucard to be in some clothes OTHER than the victorian shit we see him in, JUST BECAUSE)


	10. Strange behavior

Strange behavior

The fact that Alucard is strange is a more well known fact than gravity at Hellsing. Nobody at Hellsing cares that some apple fell on Newton's head. They're more interested in that one time where Alucard covered the walls completely in every shiny thing he could find with glue, like the sequins off one of Seras' old dresses, Integra's ashtray, Walter's spare change, Pip's CD's and an entire Olympic swimming pool worth of glitter (and only god knew where he got that from).

They'd much rather watch Alucard leave behind little gifts (dead birds, cats, deer, etc) by the door to Integra's room than understand how fast the Earth rotates.

Why bother learning about the distance between Pluto and the sun when you could learn how kill off a Catholic with nothing but a stick and a jelly bean from Alucard? These were some of the things that made Alucard a strange novelty to Pip, like a rare pearl, or a newly discovered kind of shark that lives in the deepest part of the sea and has fourteen eyes and antlers. Pip believes that the natural geographic wouldn't know what to do with a specimen like Alucard. No psychologist could understand the complexity of the vampire's mind; the deep, dark tunnel of enigmatic psychopathic delusions and maladies. Or his love for really, really shiny things. Nope. Alucard is one of a kind, and probably not just because he is a vampire, or because of anything that Hellsing did; Pip had a feeling that Alucard has always been like this, but maybe now the vampire has no need to hide it; to pretend to be anything else.

And so Pip's fascination with Alucard is growing, like the weeds which slowly crawl up the brick wall. He begins taking mental notes; studying Alucard's mood swings, his grins, the way he'd sometimes stare off into nothing for hours at a time and even when he talked to himself. And like some phenomena, instead of being repelled, Pip is attracted. He knows there's some kind of good science reference here, but he can't be bothered.

And now its autumn, passing by the months where Pip has thought about Alucard all the time and bringing a new one, where a strange incident happens.

There's a scream, a deep, angry one. Seras is marching down the halls, and then she bursts open Pip's room, nearly ripping it off its hinges in the process.

"_Please_ tell me you've seen him!" She growls. A few Geese look up from books, magazines, the guns they were cleaning. The girl is a bit of a mess; her hair looks like a birds nest.

"I'm guessing you mean the big guy." Pip says.

"Oh yes – _him_. And let me tell you, he's in a whole new world of pain!"

"What'd he do, exactly?" Jamie asks bravely.

"'What did he do?' Oh, you won't believe it! He's written the complete lyrics to Lou Reed on my walls in _blood!_ _That's_ what he did!" She squeals. Some of the men snicker. Pip openly laughs and asks;

"Which song?"

"Walk on the wild side – wait, that's not the point! He can't just waltz in Willy nilly and vandalize my room - and with his food, no less! Oh, I swear to god, I am going to throw up all over him1 GOD, I am so angry right now!" Seras balls her fist up and does an impression of her ripping Alucard's head of and using it as a foot ball. Pip nods and takes note of how she uses the word 'food' instead of 'blood'. The police girl storms out, battle calling;

"_MASTER!_ MASTER, COME OUT NOW! I'M _NOT_ PLAYING HIDE AND SEEK WITH YOU AGAIN!" The men are now laughing heartily. Pip smirks, but gets up and nods to them as he leaves their room and the card game between him and Bernard.

He finds the vampire in the yard, sitting on top the fountain. It's some fancy-pants statue of some guy – a soldier - on a horse. The water spurts from the man and the horse's mouth. Pip asked Walter about it once.

"Arthur and Alucard had originally planned it to be blood instead of water, but Sir Islands managed to convince them otherwise." He had said. Pip asked how, and Walter replied;

"With his elusive black mailing prowess, of course. We had just had Arthurs twenty second birthday, so he had a lot of stock."

Anyway, Alucard is perched on the horse's rump, like a crow, and he's giggling.

"I suppose you ran into the police girl." Alucard asks, grinning, and his teeth kind of remind Pip of the keys on a piano.

"_She_ ran into _me_. She's royally pissed, mate. I guess she just doesn't get your sense of humor." Alucard just shrugged.

"It was a valid message. If I can't teach her to walk on the wild side, maybe Lou Reed can." Pip says;

"Huh. Good luck with that. Mostly she just wants to tear you a new one."

"I'll survive. I always do." Alucard smiles. There's a crash from inside the house, and Alucard can hear Walter join in on Seras' tirade.

"I JUST CLEANED UP! Why does it have to be in blood? Why not crayon like a normal child!" Pip sits down on the edge of the fountain, and is settled beneath Alucard's quivering shadow. Alucard stares at him, curiously.

"Looks like the heat is getting closer. Need a hide out? I'm allowed to take you to a pub, right?" He asks. Alucard nods and jumps down, and his clothes morph into a black business suit, which he smoothes out, dramatically.

"Alright, but if you get drunk and vomit on me, then I'll vomit on you back, got it?" The vampire says, seriously.

"Deal." Pip says back, and envisions Alucard as a ring leader at a circus, leading Pip on with his cane into a mysterious and red lit tent, cackling madly, as the two make their way down into the driveway, and he thinks _'strange days, baby.'_

And meanwhile, at her desk, Integra sucks on a cigar and sings, "I said 'hey babe, take a walk on the wild side. I said 'hey honey, take a walk on the wild side…'"

"SERAS, WATCH OUT! YOU'LL SLIP IN IT!" There's a thud.

"OOOOOOOH, GOD…." And Integra shakes her head and mutters;

"Bizarre people." And then she goes back to scribbling boobies and a mono-brow on a picture of Enrico Maxwell with her pen.

* * *

NOTES: Alright gang, there sure is alot of talk about vomitting in this one, huh? Oh well. Every one knows thats a healthy sign. I don't own Lou Reed's 'walk on the wild side', and 'strange days' is a song from the Doors. I guess strange is just the theme here. Oh yeah, as for the buisness suit?

**SUIT. UP.**

That is for my fellow How I Met Your Mother fans.


	11. Grade

**Grade**

It wasn't unusual for Alucard to pick up strange new habits and hobbies on a complete whim one day and then drop it a few days later. He was very good at it too, and everyone pinned it down to the painful boredom the vampire experienced and a colourful array of mental illness that probably plagued him. So no one really said anything when one day he slipped out of a wall dressed in a tweed outfit, a pair of thick glasses pressed against his face and a pen and paper in his large hands. He then continued to stalk the members of Hellsing, closely scrutinizing their actions. He'd make some sort of noise, like 'hmmm' or an 'uh-huh', and then he'd lick the tip of his ball point pen and then scribble something down on his piece of paper.

He never directly said anything to the people he followed, and was only ever there for a short period of time before floating somewhere else, so it was largely ignored.

Well, it was until everyone woke up with a piece of paper stuck to their foreheads one morning. But that wasn't what the real issue was; it was what was written on the paper.

Pip stared at the paper as he sat, slumped and buried in the covers of his bed. Some of the other men looked at similar pieces of paper with the same look of confusion on their faces.

"Jamie," Pip asked. "What's your paper say?" Jamie gave Pip a crestfallen look.

"It...it says I got a 'C', captain." Jamie said, perplexed.

"Mine says I got an F." Another mercenary spoke up. "Apparently I lost marks for a 'surly attitude', 'poor aim during rounds' and... '_having an obscene smell?_'" The man gawked.

"I got a B+." Roy said happily. "It says that 'I have a great sense of humour'. Huh, that's nice of him to say." Pip laughed and swung his legs off the side of his bed.

"So we all agree that this is what the vampire's was up to this past weekend?" The captain asked his men, who all grunted in their agreement.

"Well, I don't think the butler would write 'though small for a human, I've heard your blood type is O, so I'll put up with you for the mean time'. Wait, what, I'm not that small, am I?" Jamie cried in horror.

"You kind if are." Pip muttered as he re read his own paper. Written in red ink and harshly circled was a great big A+. He looked down to the bottom of the page and with his good eye read the last line there.

'_Pip, you get extra marks because you're pretty. Count yourself lucky that I noticed or you would've gotten a big fat C for being a moron. Love, Alucard.'_

* * *

Aaaaaaand I'm back. I liked writing this one, because I like adding in random Geese members. Also it's silly and I like silly. Hope you enjoyed, and on a side note: congratulations to New York for legalising gay marriage! I heart NY indeed!


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